


Close Knit

by revenblue



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Knitting, M/M, Multi, Mutual Pining, Oblivious Pining, POV Second Person, Polyamory Negotiations, Tsunderes, author knows very little about knitting, someone forgot to tell the third wheel they were a tricycle, that's it that's the fic, three tsunderes mutually obliviously pining in a gossipy knitting circle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:27:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25698835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/revenblue/pseuds/revenblue
Summary: You have made a mistake, and that mistake is to try to make nice with yourgossip buddy'snemesis.
Relationships: Heinz Doofenshmirtz/Perry the Platypus/Peter the Panda
Comments: 9
Kudos: 23





	Close Knit

You have made a mistake, and that mistake is to try to make nice with your _gossip buddy's_ nemesis. Perry the Platypus. Agent P, the platonic ideal of an agent according to your superiors.

It's not that you hate him. In all honesty you've looked up to him as an agent for a while now. No, the problem's that whenever the conversation turns to his nemesis, he gets this distant look in his eye, one you recognise. He has _feelings_ for the guy. Has had since at least the time you first met him, when Heinz did you that favour and earned you Perry's ire.

Getting between a platypus and his nemesis was definitely the wrong choice, back then. If you'd _known_ he'd take it so badly you wouldn't have suggested it. You blame Heinz.

Heinz, who _also_ has feelings, if his occasional four o'clock in the fucking morning rambling emails are anything to go by, all sworn to secrecy of course. And who has no intentions of acting on it. According to him, in those same emails, he doesn't _deserve_ to.

It's enough to make you regret ever getting to know either of them.

Recently, Heinz has started inviting Perry along to your gossip-and-knitting sessions, now that he's _stopped_ trying to _hide_ them from Perry, a plan you could have _told_ him would end badly. Which would be _fine_ if the stench of _feelings_ didn't permeate the air every single time, from _both_ of them.

"Knitting time is _bonding_ time," he'd said, to convince you. "That's why they call it _close knit_." And he, apparently, wanted you to _bond_ with _his_ nemesis.

You'd accepted, resigned to your fate. At least it's better than enabling him in his lies.

Which brings you to now. Sitting around the largest table you own, in your dingy lair, needles in paw, watching them both openly _pine_ every time they think the other's not looking. They've been doing this for _months_. Ever since the incident with _coffee_ , where Heinz stammered out excuses his nemesis clearly didn't believe, and realised he had to _earn_ the guy's trust back. Which became your problem as soon as Heinz decided Perry needed to join you.

Frustrated, you set down your needles and pull out a pen, writing, in big bold letters, "JUST KISS ALREADY" on a scrap of paper. Maybe _this_ can get it through to them.

They glance at each other, _finally_ , eyes widening. Then they kiss... you. On the cheeks.

Slumping to the table with a groan, you stick your middle claws up at the both of them, glad your fur hides your blush. This was not the plan. Either they're even more oblivious than you thought, or they have a _scheme_ and are going to be _smug_ about it later.

"Like _that_ , Peter the Panda?" Heinz asks, like he's _proud_ of himself.

All you _wanted_ was for them to just fucking _kiss_ already and give you some peace from their _pining_ , but _no_ , you can't have _that_.

Warmth envelops your paws as they take them, perfectly in sync. One more reason it baffles you that they never even realised their feelings were _mutual_ let alone acted on them. If they weren't so _oblivious_ , you swear they'd be married by now. They already _act_ like it. Hell, if you didn't know Heinz met Perry _after_ he met you, at last year's Evil Science Expo in Seattle, you'd swear they'd known each other for years, they're _that_ sappy.

Heinz, his thumb rubbing over your knuckles like this _isn't_ the first time he's so much as touched you outside that one poorly-thought-out thwarting, returns to the monologue he's had going for the last half an hour. Listening never has been one of his strengths.

On your literal other paw, Perry listens almost _too_ well, only ever contributing to the conversation when Heinz prompts him to. He's probably already back to mooning over the guy.

You squint at him through one eye to confirm that yes, yes he is. So why is he still holding _your_ paw?

Letting out a sigh, you sit back up and glare at Heinz, squeezing his hand tight. You blame him. After all, it's usually _his_ fault, he's the reason Perry's now so... sentimental.

It's not until you drag a paw over and tap the paper pointedly that he even _notices_ your expression. Peering closer at it, he frowns. "Wait, it _doesn't_ say 'just kiss me already'? Did you know about that, Perry the Platypus? You did? Why didn't you _tell_ me, I would have- I don't know what I would have done but- I mean, Peter the Panda's happier this way, right?"

Not at all.

If they don't release your paws soon and let you get back to your knitting, you _will_ stab them with your needles. When your paws are free. You drop your head back on the table, regretting _everything_. Every decision that put you here in this moment.

"I mean... Correct me if I'm wrong," he says, a sly smirk crossing his face, "but _you_ have a _crush_. That's why I thought you meant-"

You don't _care_ what he thought you meant. Shaking your head to cut him off, you try to yank your paw back, but he's holding it in a tight grip. Jerk. Besides, why would _you_ have a crush on _him_? Either of them. They're both oblivious as _fuck_ and you're sick of it. _You're_ only _here_ for the gossip. Heinz knows far more about your coworkers than you do and he's never even _met_ them, you can't pass that up.

As for Perry, you have no idea what he was thinking. He's always been hard to read. Except when it comes to his feelings for Heinz, he wears his heart on his sleeve _there_ , so you have no idea how Heinz never noticed. Or why Perry never made a move. Or why he kissed _your_ cheek instead.

Meeting your gaze, he flicks his eyes back to Heinz for an instant and shrugs, pointedly. Jealousy? Has he even _met_ the man? It doesn't take a _nemesis_ to realise that's the one feeling Heinz would never show, too convinced of his own unworthiness. But really, you'd think it would come up in his monologues sometimes, the ones you're certain Perry pays a lot of attention to.

_This_ is why you had to intervene. They'd never get anywhere if left to their own devices, you're sure of it. Oblivious as _fuck_.

Heinz hums, going back to stroking your knuckles. "Anyway, I've been _thinking_... you're both _important_ to me, as _friends_ , not that I don't _want_ more but- I'm getting ahead of myself here. The point is, we could _all_ , you know, _date_ , if you _want_ to. That's a _thing_. Charlene suggested it once, when we were- I mean I wasn't _ready_ for it at the _time_ , but with both of _you_ , I think- How about it?"

Shrugging, you glance at Perry. It's all up to him. The last thing you want to do is intrude on _his_ relationship with _his_ nemesis, _again_ , especially now that you know he takes it personally. Why wouldn't he? A good nemesisship is _special_ , and so is Heinz.

Perry raises an eyebrow, and _you_ still can't read him but Heinz's reaction suggests he's taking it well. Mostly because Heinz's response is to reach out with his free hand, the one _not_ firmly holding your paw, and pull him into a kiss. _Finally_. And all it took was the equivalent of you screaming at them, apparently. You should have done it sooner.

When Perry's done with his nemesis, he kisses _you_ , and you're surprised by how much your heart leaps. How long have you wanted this with him? With either of them, because the same thing happens when he lets you up and _Heinz_ takes his place.

So, okay, maybe you _do_ have a crush. And two boyfriends, now, apparently, not that they need to be so _smug_ about it. Why do you have feelings for them again? Has to be for the _gossip_ they give you, because it sure as fuck isn't for the _rest_ of it. They're endlessly exasperating, smug, and constantly get on your last nerve.

You agreed to date them anyway.

_Probably_ a mistake, like every other choice that led you to this moment, but you don't regret it. You'll just say you do.

**Author's Note:**

> The biggest upside to this ot3 is that, while Perry and Heinz will eternally rationalise their relationship as a typical nemesisship despite all evidence to the contrary, Peter can actually call them out on that shit.
> 
> The biggest _down_ side is having to work around the lingering trust issues from Heinz's choices in canon regarding Peter.
> 
> It's worth it to write three tsunderes tsundere-ing together. :3


End file.
